Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
