Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
