so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
