Where is the hickey?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
