She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
