life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
