someone threw a dead crab at me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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