and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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