I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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