I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
