Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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