Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
