I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
