she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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