New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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