did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
