So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
