Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
