Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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