Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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