I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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