You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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