It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
