so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Michael Bay diarrhea
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
