My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
