I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
