You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
