Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
