I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
