I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Couch. On fire.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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