hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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