If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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