Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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