I think I just saw someone hide a body.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
