all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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