ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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