Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
