dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
