Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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