this beer tastes like vomit already
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
