it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
