Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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