Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
