I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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