White coat. Heels.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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