oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
