ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
