I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
