Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
