I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
