My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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