You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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